Be sad about it
There are moments in life that knock you in the chest. My ex-husband leaving us was one of those moments. I was 6.5 months pregnant with a 13 mos. old when he left. For weeks I couldn’t breathe. But then the process of grief took its toll and I somehow didn’t die.
I was so proud of not dying the first year after he left. So proud.
Recently though I’ve been visited by a step of the grief process that’s made its way back: Sadness. Y’all. It’s just sad. [Disclaimer: I do not want my ex back in our lives nor do I miss him.] The plan I envisioned for my future, for OUR future is SMASHED.
When I was younger my mom gave me a piece of wisdom. She said, “Nicole stop acting like you don’t want to cry when you want to cry.” Sadness is the same way. Stop avoiding sadness when you’re sad just be sad. I don’t think I rushed through the sadness of my ex’s departure but sadness is paying a visit and this time I’m letting it camp out.
I’ve done a whole lot of life while still being sad. I’ve gone on day trips with my girlfriends, I’ve celebrated my son’s birthday, I’ve edited my website, I’ve applied to another college, I’ve gone on several day trips. I’ve done all of this while being sad. Sadness is not the enemy though it’s just a feeling. It’s just an emotion. I spent a great deal of time stress eating because I didn’t want to deal with it. [A LOT OF STRESS EATING.] I don’t know why it took so long to acknowledge that I’ve been sad but it was a close friend who called it.
Sadness doesn’t have a punctuation mark.
Sadness doesn’t have to be justified.
You can be sad because business isn’t progressing the way you wanted it. You can be sad because your kids refuse to sleep all night. You can be sad because your trip was canceled. Sadness doesn’t require metrics to exist - it’s just kind of there.
Sadness is a part of grief. You can be completely healed and then sadness will bring another portion of healing. Sadness doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. You can be made whole. When sadness appears embrace it. It might take a few days for you to recognize it but don’t reject sadness. Allow yourself to function with it. In the midst of functioning with it, you’ll give yourself the opportunity to find new ways to heal.
How you heal is up to you. The tools you used to heal previously might not work now - dig deeper. If you aren’t ready to be healed you just need to sulk and be sad then do that. Embrace sadness. I’ve sat with rejection for a long time because we are friends but now I’m getting to know sadness again. Sadness gets a hard knock because it’s considered woeful, depressing, or morose. But sadness gets to take up as much space as it needs. We have a hunger for happy, joyful, bright ALL THE TIME. But brightness can’t exist without giving space for the clouds. If you only know light and airy then you won’t be able to appreciate the lessons sadness will teach you.
Sadness is a teacher in perseverance. Pressing on even when you don’t feel like it. Seeking out light even when you don’t feel like it. Embracing the accomplishment of a small task because it took a lot of Effing work to get off the couch. Sadness is here to be our friend, not our foe. Sadness is the emotion that allows us to take space and explore our thoughts of longing, mourning, and helps us identify which steps to take to kick start our future (even if it’s clearing off the dining room table).