Avoiding Discipline
Single motherhood rocks.
It’s it the best worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It is a gift to be able to present my whole and complete self as the leader of my family. Single mom leadership requires a great deal of intentional parenting.
Intentionality comes into play most often on strong discipline days. Some days those little humans you adore just do not want to be obedient. Discipline is a struggle for me because I don’t know if I go too far or not enough. I want to give my kids the space and opportunity to be themselves but not as the sake of harming another human being, damaging the home and articles inside said home, or scaring the cat.
My two year old is a two-nager and I get it. I always wanted to be an adult as a kid. As a kid I couldn’t wait to grow up and be big because once I got bigger NO ONE could tell me what to do. #firstborn I love this tiny sir so very much and I am very apt to skimping on discipline.
Why? Because my heart grieves for them. Our male leader left us for a cruise, motor cycle, and concert tickets. As a result there is sometimes an overwhelming awareness of his absence. I find myself trying to satisfy that absence with skimping on discipline because I want to give an extra dose of gentleness to my son and daughter’s tender hearts.
The absence of consistent discipline will not make up for the loss of our abandoned male figure. I have to be conscious and consistent to discipline my kids (in an age appropriate manner based on their personality differences). Why? Because in the long run their character is what matters. Their character will be shaped by the values I instill in them NOW. I can’t skip over discipline and just hope they’ll turn out to be decent human beings.
I want to make a distinction though: there is a difference between discipline because they are putting themselves at risk for injury (to their own self, the house/dwelling we live in, or another person/animal) and discipline because of control. If my tiny humans want to strip butt naked and run around outside - go for it. If they want to pursue their big dreams - go for it. If they want to explore and be curious - go for it. I want them to be confident in their own decisions.
When I ask my kids to be obedient it’s often because they are at risk for injuring themselves, tearing up something in our home, or hurting each other.
Discipline is a guide to taming the selfish nature of our minds. Generally speaking, I think our hearts start with good intention, our minds shift the desire of our heart because our mins are constantly bombarded with consumerism. Consumerism breeds selfishness.
Single mommas - I’m not asking you to be strict with your kids. I don’t think anyone who has been strict with their kids is any more satisfied with their parenthood than parents who weren’t. If your tinies want to wear mismatched clothes (though it might stress me out if we aren’t tonal) let them. If you son or daughter wants to sleep with their boots on and sleep with the same dirty toy - let them. DO NOT let them continue to practice disobedience at the expense of another human being.
We have to get a healthy grip on this now. At some point these tinies won’t be tiny anymore. They will be someone’s friend, co-worker, business partner, and eventually someone’s spouse. If they don’t learn to tame their sometimes selfish mind now they won’t learn it later. It is VITAL that as easy as it is to skip on this - we don’t. We need to consistently lead them by saying, “No, you can’t do that”, or, “Hey - that was a bad choice. Let’s have a time out.”
I was terrified when he left that discipline would add to their trauma. But it’s not. What will create trauma later is not teaching them how to get a grip on things now while they’re young. I don’t expect my kids to swear allegiance to my ideals or be perfectly behaved kids. I expect them to be decent human beings with a heart of service towards others.
If I allow them to act selfishly they won’t learn that. Your kids won’t either.
Mommas, don’t skip discipline for the sake of filling in the gap. It won’t fill it.